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For me as a woman in my late thirties, I’ve long felt that politeness is essential, which includes expressing regret when I think I’ve made a mistake. Despite a satisfying life, I’ve struggled with very poor self-esteem. This mix of aiming to be considerate and second-guessing my actions has turned me into someone who over-apologizes. Often, it happens so quickly that I’m barely noticing of it. It originates in anxiety and has impacted both my personal and work life. It frustrates my loved ones and workmates, and then I get annoyed when they mention it—which only worsens my anxiety.

Public Speaking and Inquiring

This over-apologizing is especially problematic when it comes to addressing a group or asking questions in front of people. I try to prepare notes to stay on track and avoid going off-topic, but even that fails most of the time. As an starting scholar in government studies, speaking with confidence is crucial. I’ve attempted to work on this through facing fears, such as instructing groups and forcing myself to ask questions at open forums, despite experiencing setbacks from experienced male academics. I’ve also tried taking a moment before speaking to become more aware of when I’m apologizing, but this is effective at first before I revert to old habits.

Self-Acceptance

I doubt I’ll ever completely love myself, and I’ve made peace with that. I still value life and find it fulfilling. My main goal is to curb the overuse of apologies. I’ve learned that counseling might assist me, but I wonder how it can help in practice.

Apologizing is a important skill, but it must be used appropriately. Too infrequent or too much, and you place a load on others.

Finding the Source

A counselor might explore where this habit comes from. Questions like, “How early were you when this started?” or “Was it self-inspired or adopted from someone important to you?” Sometimes, youthful habits that once helped us become maladaptive in adulthood.

In fact, some of your current behaviors could be seen as holding yourself back. You are aware it irritates those around you, yet you persist it.

The Role of Therapy

When asked what therapy could do, one approach focuses on being rather than doing. Much of helpful sessions is about understanding yourself, not just addressing problems. A experienced counselor will gently challenge you, offering a comfortable setting to examine and accept who you are.

Instead of facing fears head-on, a connection-based method with a supportive guide might be more effective. This can help you return to yourself and examine how you judge, ignore, and undermine yourself. It can assist in identifying self-criticism, stopping it, and finding more self-compassionate ways to see things. Your self-assurance can grow from there.

Practical Steps

Changing deep-seated habits is challenging, especially in tense situations when apologizing feels like a automatic response. But you can start by considering on how apologizing serves you and what it would be like to refrain. Often, it’s an try to avoid embarrassment or being seen, by acknowledging perceived mistakes before others do. This can create a loop of annoyance and nervousness.

Even thinking things through can be beneficial. Try taking a breath before responding, or use a prepared reply instead of “I’m sorry.” For example, saying “That makes sense” can make others feel understood without you taking accountability.

This approach will take patience, but admitting there’s an issue is a significant first step toward improvement.